tis the season

Monday, November 19, 2012

Make Time Stand Still

"How do I live without you?
I want to know. 
How do I breathe without you,
If you ever go?
How will I ever, ever survive?
How do I, How do I live?"

You were only a few weeks old when I first heard the song, "How Do I Live?" back in 1997. I sang it to you every time it came on the radio. What I didn't know then, but know all-to-well now, is that those words speak the truth of my heart for you.

The time has gone by so quickly. And it continues with no sign of slowing down. You are growing up. Beginning a life of your own outside of us.

I should be ok with that. I want to be ok with that. But I'm not. And I can now see that my tight, desperate grip is taking a toll on you. It's taking a toll on me.

Not just yet. I just need more time..... those are the words my heart is screaming out. I want to buy just one more Megazord. I want to read just one more book & tuck you in to bed. I want to hold you and rock you and sleep with you in my arms just one last time.

How can it be possible to simultaneously want something so much and, at the same time, not want it at all?

Reconciling that within myself leaves me a mess. And I know I have taken my childhood emotions of abandonment and allowed them to manifest in our relationship. I know it. I can see it. I recognize it. But how do I change it?

I long for us to be close again, and at the same time, I've built walls so high that I can't let you in. I am coming unglued at the thought of you leaving.

How can I explain that to you? How can I change it? I just don't know. It's like breathing - second nature, automatic. Something that runs so deep, I'm not sure I can scratch the surface of it to even begin healing.

And the cold, hard bottom line is that none of that, not one iota, is your fault. Yet, here I am, unleashing my fears onto you. With every passing year, it looks like things are falling into place for you, and it feels like they are falling apart for us.

I feel like one of the toys on "Toy Story 3". Just waiting for you to pick me up and show me that you still value me. It isn't important that you don't play with me anymore, but that I am here for you when you need me, right? I think that is what mothers do and say. But, to be honest, I'm just not quite sure.

"And when you finally fly away
I'll be hoping that I served you well
For all the wisdom of a lifetime
No one can ever tell

But whatever road you choose
I'm right behind you, win or lose
Forever Young."

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