Have you ever had moments in your life where you finally got it?
You know, it. That something that has been staring you in the face, but you just didn't see or maybe couldn't. The thing that keeps you from reaching that goal, chasing that dream, or being the you that you're meant to be.
I gave a name to my "it" last night. Stuffing. I am a stuffer. A stuffer who builds barriers. That's me.
I can pinpoint the age I was when it all began. And today, I know why I stuff.... why I have always stuffed, rather than confront - people and emotions.
- I don't feel safe enough to confront.
- I don't want to be rejected.
- I don't want to be left, abandoned.
- I don't want to lose control.
- I don't want to make things worse.
Does that sound familiar?
The past 3 years have been an awakening of sorts for me. I've done a really good job on cleaning out and sorting through my emotional clutter... all of the things I've stuffed for so long. What I failed to realize is that I was still stuffing, with food. The stuffing manifested itself in a different way. And I never saw it until now.
Reading through this chapter, I realize that I can build walls and barriers with the very best, but I have a lot of work to do on communicating boundaries. I talk things out and make reasonable boundaries but I don't communicate them with the other person (for the same reasons listed above, I'm sure).
That isn't fair. It isn't productive. It doesn't get me where I want to be in my relationships. It shuts down the communication and only serves to isolate us from one another. And, in all honesty, that is where I am most comfortable. I don't want that to be the case.
So, the question now is how do I change it? With acknowledgement comes the responsibility of action.
An invitation to imperfect progress...
*I hope you'll forgive me for changing up our Faith Without Borders book schedule once again. This chapter simply deserves more than one post, so I'll be following up again tomorrow.