"Unglued" - Chapter 4
This post was scheduled for Friday, 10/19/2012. Obviously, I didn't make my deadline. And I'm still trying to figure out why...
Life has been a little hectic lately. My daughter turned 4. There were special events at work. But that's not it. This chapter of "Unglued" hit too close for my comfort zone. I needed to read it - more than once. And I found every excuse to put it off.
I do that, you know. I allow myself to wander and be distracted when I'd rather not face something. And this chapter is a perfect example of that. Please tell me I'm not the only one...
What kind of unglued am I? Lysa identifies 4 categories of unglued reactions. I fit very well into two of those - exploders who shame themselves and stuffers who build barriers. Did you catch that? Two categories... I fit into two! Turns out that isn't unusual... and I feel better that Lysa admits she fits into all four of them.
I can start to give you real-life accounts of my unglued moments, but there are so many to choose from that I'd have a novel instead of a blog post by the time it's all said and done.
You see, "I know I will pay a cost for coming unglued. Somehow, I instinctively measure the cost and decide with whom and in what circumstance I can either explode and let it all rip or stuff it and pretend nothing is wrong." (Are there cameras somewhere? Is she living in my head?)
I have noticed that over the course of the past year or so, I am not so good at stuffing any more. My grandmother would say that I don't have a poker face and she'd be so right. I have gotten to the point in my life that I've given myself permission to feel whatever it is I'm feeling.... angry, frustrated, disappointed, hurt, betrayed. I can feel those emotions without losing control.
And having those feelings is not a sign of weakness. It turns out that big girls do cry. And I can think more clearly once the rawness of the emotion passes.... so I let it come. And I let it go.
It's a work in imperfect progress, as is everything. Now then, that wasn't has hard as I thought. Sometimes what you think you'll see in that mirror is much more scary than the person actually looking back at you. Lysa said it beautifully.... "Refuse to wallow in the depressing angst condemnation brings. Embrace conviction. Condemnation defeats us. Conviction unlocks the potential for change."
When you face that girl in the mirror - approach her with grace and mercy. And pray for conviction.